Journey to Joy

i am the only me i can be

kreenorris — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 22:30:47 +0000

So, I’ve added WordPress to my blackberry. I think it’ll be good. This way I have no excuse to NOT blog and I am more disconnected from my posts and therefore able to say what I want. This little device gives me so much freedom. I am seriously hating D today. I know it is not him. If I wanted to shrink myself, I would say that I am projecting all of my bottled-up self-hate towards him. However, I do NOT want to shrink myself. Who wants to face that kind of bullshit? I don’t know who even just said that. I need to start naming my multiple personalities so I can keep track of them. I know ones name is Nikki, cus when she comes out to play, people actually call me Nikki. One is Chrysanthem- I know, I know, super pretentious, but that’s how she is. I really think I need to go to therapy again. I need to get my bottle up emotions (ie multi-persons) all sorted out. I just want to leave this guy alone, but I feel some crazy addiction. He is one of the last things in my life keeping me from living life in reality. He is too far away and just plain and simply safe. I am not so sure today that I am actually in love with him. Today I think I am Kelli

I don’t think I posted yesterday. Hmm…I am going to have to check that. Sitting at Baldwin’s drinking Gin and Tonic and thought that I would get this done for the day, since later I plan on painting and smelling the downtown people. This is what I want from life. I want to sit and write at a bar downtown and work part-time in a couple of places. I really am ready to re-vamp my life and be happy again…but will I be happy is the question. I am happy now, but what happens when I start to need the money and start wishing for the good life again. If I put in my 2 weeks notice, I will let you know.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

kreenorris — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 00:21:16 +0000

I had a therapeutic hike up the incline today. I got so emotional and realized that I am totally expecting to succeed at my goals, and this scares the hell out of me. Change is so major and who knows why I am so crazy about it. I usually get pleasantly nervous about change. I guess it is true, we are all creatures of habit. I feel really embarrassed to say that because I am supposed to be different. That may be my issue, I have spent my entire life trying to be different, but not developing so major parts of my emotional character and here I am 32 just realizing this. Instead of letting my feelings out, I have been hiding them behind a tarp and a pile of bricks. I am so much happier now, but I am not going to be truly happy unless I stop being scared. I am scared of love, scared of living, scared of change, scared of taking control of my life, and scared of succeeding. I am going to use what I learn each day to remove this fear from my life. I need to be in another world emotionally and my first step is facing my fears and removing the terror I feel.

I know that these posts are short, but this is what I am doing right now in order to continue each and every day. I am determined to perform a complete change this year. I am freaked out, but not defeated and this will pass.

So positive

kreenorris — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 12:34:01 +0000

I feel so positive today, like I can tackle anything that comes my way. That twinge of fear is definitely dulled today. I have lots to do, but I will get it ALL done. I had a pretty nice, but weird dream. In addition to my blog I have decided to start a journal for my dreams as well to analyze what it is that I have been thinking. Today is the first morning I remembered to do it and, I must say. I feel damn good afterwards. Basically, my dream symbolized me and the love of my life together and all of my goals being conquered. I am a true believer in dreams being our own little fortune tellers, a psychic abilitythat we all have. Love that my first dream had so much to say.

Still thinking about D. Always. This long distance sucks and I still don’t know how to take him, but my dream has definitely given me new fervor for that. I have so much to do today that I cannot really focus on that. First item of business is stretching and meditating, (another thing that I am going to take the time to do each day). So, one to have my expectantly amazing day. I’ll keep you posted if anything happens to turn things the other way.

P.S. Wow has my tone changed in just a couple of months. I have some sort of multiple personality disorder. I sound like a crazy, ranting psycho on my June post. I feel so calm now. I expect that won’t last forever. Expect the unexpected I guess.

kreenorris — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 02:49:27 +0000

I did so much better today. I went over my calorie goal, but still stayed at a deficit level. I REALLY want to lose this weight, but I know that I have developed some really bad eating habits over time and my energy is lacking. I seriously HATE when I get so exhausted at night that I do not have the energy to even move. I will try even harder tomorrow. So, sleepy right now (and it is not even 9 yet! Bleh!) I guess I will listen to my body and get some sleep. Good night.

Water: So far only 39 oz, trying to make it to 64 oz every day.

Again

kreenorris — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 15:54:55 +0000

Okay, so it hasn’t been as long as I had thought it had been since I have blogged. I am going to have to add WordPress as a home page so that I remember to blog everyday. That is my new commitment, to this blog. Wouldn’t know it by looking at it, but this is really important to me. If I am not writing here, I am writing in my journal. I feel like I have a voice here.

Anyways, I am doing a silly, mommy, awesome thing and joining the Air Force Reserves. This is something I have wanted to do since I was 17 and since I have 2 years left to get it done, and I am still thinking about it…well, that means I need to do it. I need to weigh 155 lbs to even start the process and I weigh 209 now. This is such a daunting task since I have a VERY hard time telling myself no, but I cannot let life pass me by. I am old enough to reach my goals now.

D inspires me. He seems to be the driving force in my life. I am glad to have him around. He is the 1 man in my life that I admire and who is doing what I have always dreamed of doing. We shall see how my relationship with him develops through all of this.

OH YEAH! I am also starting school this fall. It’s going to take me at least 8 weeks to lose this weight and I might as well get some education in.

So, this is day 1 see you tomorrow, whether I have something to say or not.

Write or Wrong

kreenorris — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 22:39:52 +0000

I love to write. I’ve always written. Probably would have made something of it if I wasn’t so lazy. I am too lazy to do the research and too lazy to get any deeper than first surface. Like my friend says, and I guess it must be true. Pretty girls, have pretty girl problems and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Not that I am truly pretty, but I guess I have always felt that I am, which has probably kept me from working any harder because I have never felt that I had to. Now I have kids, and there is no amount of pretty in the world that could ever hide that. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have kids. Now I am just one of those single moms, wishing desperately that someone would come along and take care of me, but pretending I am too strong for all of that. Knowing that I am undeserving of anything that resembles love. So, what do I do? Well, I am only 31 and I have resigned myself to no sex for the past 2 years and I also make up great loves. How does this work? Well, all a man has to do is show minor interest in me and I will have them ride in on a white horse, marry me, fight, lose interest and divorce me in approximately 2 weeks. Funny part is, they have no say or doing in all of this and before they know it, I’ve lost interest before they even get a chance to get to know me or much less like me. Actually, I haven’t lost interest. I’ve just already orchestrated how they’ll hurt me, and I refuse to give them the opportunity to do it. Cliché? Well, yeah, but we are out there. Those girls that they write novels and lifetime movies about. We are out there broken and hard and emotional and angry and sensitive. The only difference is that it does not turn out like in those books and movies and plays. We do not find that one strong guy who has the stamina to stick it out. We certainly never let go of the small amount of control in our lives that creates the illusion of strength that we don’t possess. We just live our lives day by day hoping for some semblance of love that we can settle for until…I don’t know, what happens next?

Or who knows…maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am the oddball out. I certainly have not met a woman face to face who is just like me. Other women are still trying still out there getting into relationships or at least having sex. However, those women do not have the imagination of a 6 year old. (I snicker, but it is sad really). I have a victim now, an ex-boyfriend who I send gifts to and I am mad at every other day. I have already decided that he is not really in to me and will never be, but for some reason I have decided to torture myself a little longer with this one. I’m the one that got away and he, well he’s familiar. I know how he works, I know how he ticks and I know it’s only a matter of time before he will stop being so busy and find another girl to kick me to the curb for. Let me back up. See, D (we’ll call him D) is a Type-A personality. So COMPLETELY opposite from me. He works 3 jobs and goes to school, but still has time to party with his friends. So right now he is just not trying to be in a relationship, though he has told me repeatedly he wants to settle down and wants me to have his baby and he wants my boys as part of his family business. The reason I know this is bullshit? We’ve been here before and I always get pushed aside for the next big thing. The reason I fall for it? I think I am in love with the bastard too. . The reason this has gone on for more than 2 weeks? He lives many miles away.

Oh yeah, and did I mention I have some form of add. Just got distracted looking at Google maps. Now I am bored with this. Ha, who can keep up. Wasn’t that important anyways.

Hotmail – kelli.norris@live.com – Windows Live

The Challenge: Not keeping track of days anymore

kreenorris — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 05:16:28 +0000

I’ll be done next Wednesday, and this challenge was not as hard as I thought it would be. However, that is not to say that it wasn’t necessary. I have been rather productive. I paid bills, sent out mail that I’ve been meaning to, did laundry, found out what my net worth is, fixed a budget, and got my house half clean. I also perfected my custard recipe and cured my cooking fear. I feel happier and less brain fog now.

There were some challenges…I keep trying to think of some kind of excuse to cheat. I want to watch the new Hills and The City episodes and may just do it. They take the darn episode away for 3 weeks if I don’t watch it right away online. I haven’t done it yet, but if I do I promise I won’t lie about it. I also really miss my Ian Somerhalder, Damon from the Vampire Diaries (Dam-Ian as I affectionately call him) amazing actor, villain, vamp, and oh sooo easy on the eyes. Alas, I have made a promise to myself and those are the most difficult to break. WaaAh! I am READING Vampire Diaries though and am 3/4ths the way through the book after 4 days. I never find this much time to read. I’ll say one thing, the television interpretation is way better than the book. I hope it goes on for 10 more seasons. I miss V and Flashforward the most. Then Gossip Girl. Not really pining for 90210 or ANTM. Miss watching the antics of Jules and the rest on Socialites…or whatever that show is called.

Now I am rambling on. Time to sleep. ZzZzzzz.

Day two without television

kreenorris — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 06:15:54 +0000

Today was a wonderful day. It was so productive. I thought I would have a difficult time of it, but I only thought about watching my online shows a handful of times and did not really miss them. I realized how much more I can accomplish when my mind is able to focus on the real world. I spent my time doing so much more. One important thing is that I am blogging again. I haven’t really had anything to blog about and that is because it has been awhile since I have DONE anything. I certainly ate less today and I moved more when can only be helpful to the waistline. The longer I go not watching tv and every time I have a passing thought of a show that I could be watching, reveals to me how much tv and watching all of those hours of it straight through online was stealing from me. I am truly going to re-evaluate how my precious moments are spent after this two weeks are over. Maybe I should recognize this as ”all the wonderful things I can do without the boob tube to distract me” rather than say it is a “challenge”. So much energy today; mentally, physically and emotionally. Now I am going to sleep.

The Challenge: No Television for two weeks

kreenorris — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:56:10 +0000

I have come to realize that I have been watching entirely too much television. I have a total of 11 shows that I “cannot live without” and it has become utterly ridiculous. My off days revolve around sitting in front of the computer getting emotionally exhausted and wrapped up in stories of people I do not know. I neglect everyone and everything, and please do not talk to me (or around me when these shows are on)

The funny thing is, I pride myself on not having cable. I refuse to pay $30/ month or more on the “idiot box” and I will not be controlled by scheduled programming. Yesterday, I finally woke up and realized that I was being controlled with out the schedule. I have three days off and at least 12 hours of those three days are spent catching up on all the weekly shows I’ve missed. I am putting my foot down for a while, I am coming out of fantasy and I am going to give reality a chance for a while.

It is day one and only 7:47 am and I have no idea what to do with myself. Not to say that there isn’t plenty to do. It’s just that normally I would just ignore that and hop online to watch my “Life Unexpected” and “Gossip Girl” until it was time to go to work. I feel lost and now I am going to have to come up with a new routine. Well, at least now, I have something to blog about.

character

kreenorris — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 05:22:47 +0000

I really “bit the dust” this morning. Not figuratively, literally. I was going on my morning jog and tripped over an uneven part of concrete. It was so surreal. I knew I was falling and I am rather good at catching myself, but I supposed a persons equilibrium is seriously off when they are exhausted from being perpetually in motion and loud music is blasting in your ears from an i pod. I was just jogging along 1…2…3…4 in time with the music (one of eminem’s crazy lyrical s) and all of a sudden the sidewalk jutted up I stumbled and caught myself from falling and then, suddenly I realized “oh wait!” I was still falling! I fell hard, in slow motion, but hard. Not to mention the 200lbs of flesh that followed me down.

What did I gain from this experience? Why am I blogging about such an everyday occurrence? There were two lessons learned on that fall. The second, not as positive and something I didn’t realize until much later in the day (really only moments ago while I was writing down my thoughts this evening) and that was that it was the first time I didn’t laugh (at least when I wasn’t crying) at myself after a fall. A sad thing actually, it means I have begun to take myself a bit too seriously. The other, that I have kept or gained some deep character along the way. Even though I was horrified that all of my jiggly self went crashing to the ground and I felt like the whole world was watching (though no one was in sight), I dusted myself off, and in a considerable amount of pain continued on and finished my little run. I feel proud.

Now what to do about taking myself too seriously? I guess I’ll have to tackle that another time.